They fly so high, nearly reach the sky

This is another non-legal blog.  I am fed up with my beloved football team again.

A friend of mine said today: what sort of club leaks a managerial appointment to the press before the new manager has agreed to join?

The short answer to this is West Ham.  In the longer answer (which I gave to my mate) I identified my Top Five "it could only happen at West Ham" stories.  Mum - I love you dearly, but why oh why did you buy me a West Ham away kit for my third birthday in 1971? What had I done to deserve this pathetic excuse for a football club??

In no particular order:

1. The Paolo Di Canio and Frank Lampard fight on 12 February 2000.

Bradford had been newly promoted to the Premier League.  We had a debutant goalkeeper, Stephen Bywater.  The poor guy threw 4 goals into his own net.  More ridiculously, we scored four ourselves.  It was like watching a game between two pub sides....and when we didn't think the farce could deteriorate further, King Paolo had one of his wobbles..  He walked off the pitch with the hump and demanded to be substituted.  When Redknapp pushed him back on, he refused to take part in the game.  He just sat on the pitch, head down and arms crossed, whilst the game was played around him.  His solo boycott ended, after a good two minutes, when the referee blew for a penalty at our end.  Paolo was never one to miss a Roy of the Rovers opportunity so, up he got, and sprinted to the penalty spot to prize the ball away from Frank Lampard (Jr - the sh#t one!).  Now Frank is big and fat as we know, but he didn't have the strength to out-muscle King Paolo.  After quite a few seconds of comedy slapstick,  Big Fat Frank turned away with the hump and headed himself towards the dug-out, presumably to moan at his dad (Frank Sr - the good one!).  As Fatty trudged away, up stepped the King to stroke home the penalty for a 5-4 home win.

It could only happen at West Ham!

2. Emmanuel Omoyinmi substitution on 15 December 1999

It was our first cup quarter final victory for a decade - or so we thought.  Aston Villa came to Upton Park.  A cup match under the  lights.  The fans in the Chicken Run were spitting venom at anything which ran by in a Villa shirt. The whole stadium was absolutely banging.  It was 2-2 with less  than one minute of extra time to play.  Redknapp brought on Emmanuel Omoyinmi as a substituute for someone good (or, if not good, certainly better than Omoyimni).  The referee immediately blew for full time to take the game to penalties.  Incredibly, West Ham scored all five.  Villa scored four.  Omoyinmi played no part at all.  We were through to the semi fnal - or so we thought.  The next day, we were ordered to replay the tie.  Emmanuel Omoyinmi had already played in the League Cup that season when he was out on loan.  He had forgotten!  Our Fixtures Secretary had not thought to make his own enquiries.  The game was replayed on 11 January 2000.  We lost comfortably.

It could only happen at West Ham!

3. Tevez (and his mate)

I love Carlos Tevez.  I can forgive him for creating £26,000,000 in fines which we are still trying to pay and which very nearly did (and still could) lead the club into administration.  I loved his mate too.  Javier Mascherano's performance against Palermo in the UEFA Cup was probably the best midfield performance I've witnessed at Upton Park since the days of Sir Trevor Brooking.  We were all slightly bewildered afterwards when he was dropped. When you have one of the best midfielders in the world (completely unlawfully - and with the illegality threatening to bankrupt the club)  it would have been good to see him in a West Ham shirt occasionally...but Pardew knew better apparently!  He didn't play Tevez much either (can you have jet lag for 2 months?) but that isn't the point of this tale.  For that I must take you to the Club Shop (or Super Store as it's called officially) on the night of said Palermo UEFA Cup fixture.  I had to buy 3 Tevez shirts for my kids.  When your club is not playing the most expensive footballer in the world (who is with you unlawfully, and who is likely to cause your club's financial collapse) I thought the commercial beast that is WHUFC would want to cash in on a few thousand shirt sales.  I wasn't the only person to think this.  The queue for Tevez shirts stretched out of the shop, through the gates and half way up Green Street.  Imagine our surprize when we heard the (sole!) shirt printer yell out:  "If you want Tevez on your back, you might as well turn around because I'm running out of Zs".  One of the more patient attendees (there were already punches being thrown to the rear of the shop in between the bouncers and the West Ham babygrows) enquired about the expected delivery date for the new batch of Zs.  Imagine our continued surprize when he responded:  "Not until next season mate...we buy in bulk once a year...it's cheaper that way."   The patient one grew less patient:  "Are you having a f#####g laugh?  What's the f#####g chance of Tevez being here next year?"  When the (sole!) shirt printer retorted with "calm down mate...how do you think Zamora feels?".... it all kicked off in the Club shop.  I managed to get two Tevez shirts in the scrum.  My daughter had to suffer the indignity of wearing a Mullins shirt for the remainder of the Argentinians' short stay in East London.  [She still won't accept that if Mullins had not been suspended for the 2006 Cup Final, he would have been there to close Gerrard down and West Ham would have won its first trophy in 26 years]

It could only happen at West Ham!

4. Glenn Roeder

It's difficult to know where to start here.  But as one fellow season ticket holder put it when our team (which included David James, Joe Cole, Michael Carrick, Jermaine Defoe, Trevor Sinclair and Paolo Di Canio) was relegated in 2003: "that pr#ck should be banned from grass".

It could only happen at West Ham!

5. Lee from the Club Shop

In 2004, I was emailed a flyer from the Club Shop encouraging me to order the new home shirt online, by a certain date, to guarantee FREE delivery, to my home, on the day of release, with FREE printing.  It was a slick and glossy looking flyer.  I knew my kids would be hounding me for the new shirt soon.  I liked the sound of FREE delivery.  I placed my order for 3 shirts immediately.  I diligently included shirt numbers and my kids' names within the order - because that was free too.  The day of release came and I left for my office before any post arrived at home. I thought nothing of it.  At about midday I received a call which went,  word for word, like this:

CALLER: Hello, is this Mr Coyle?
ME:  It is, yes.
CALLER: Hello Mr Coyle.  It's Lee from the Club Shop.
ME:  Oh right yeh...the shirts are coming today aren't they?
LEE:  Well that's what I'm calling about Mr Coyle.  There's a bit of a problem.  I'm sorting it out now and there's a bike waiting outside to deliver....but I just wanted to let you know....(pause)
ME: Let me know what?
LEE:  We've run out of numbers - for the kids' sizes anyway.
ME:  Right...ok....
LEE:  But what I can do is stick numbers which we use for the adult shorts on to your kids' shirts.
ME:  Oh right...and that looks ok does it?
LEE:  Hold there Mr Coyle...I'll have a quick look....(pause with rustling sound)
LEE:  Well, to be honest Mr Coyle...they look a bit sh#t.
ME: Do you have any non-sh#t options Lee?
LEE: Sorry mate....no.
ME:  I'll just take the shirts then Lee.

The shirts arrived the next day (a slow bike presumably) with the adult short numbers duly printed on the back of the shirts.  Lee hadn't done what I had asked, but he was absolutely right about one thing - the shirts did indeed look sh#t!

It could only happen at West Ham.

Conclusion and pleas

Martin O'Neill:  I hope one day  that you change your mind and join us in our  misery!

Mr Gold and Mr Sullivan: whilst there has probably never been a more fitting pair to run our useless club, please do us all a favour and f#ck off with Lee from the Club Shop.